By: Isaac L. Hmar *
"The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation" - Pierre Trudeau.
It has been a decade now that living together with one's boyfriend/ girlfriend before legitimate marriage has become a common social phenomenon especially among those North East people who live in cosmopolitan cities like Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore, etc.
Some may think that living together is a western culture while others may not take it that way. From my personal point of view, living together is just a part of human behavior which is a universal phenomenon. It is a fact that westerner people are bold enough to experiment it and hence develop it as if it were a part of their culture.
In short, living together means a relationship of a man and woman who are sexually active and share a household, though they are not married legally. In case of marriage you have to agree that you will take care of each other for life, regardless of life's ups and downs. You will fasten it out together through thick and thin and share all adversaries.
Married couple life is permanent come what may. It is legally and socially approved. In the case of living together the couple's commitment to live together is based on expediency and convenience. It may last long or may break up any moment as the case may be. "As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around". This is precisely the attitude in ‘living together'.
Marriage is socially, legally and culturally sanctioned union of a man and woman. However, the purpose and basis of marriage may differ from society to society. The general expectation from marriage is however that child born out of such union is expected to continue the respective family line. There are two types of marriage; love marriage and arranged marriage.
In most countries, people are free to choose either civil or religious marriage. In western countries as well as in some other parts of the world, as you know, including Manipur, marriage ceremony commonly takes place either in a chapel or a temple.
Wedding is a time of great celebration and festivity. Guests bring presentations for bride and groom and wish them a happy conjugal life. The bride and groom wear beautiful dresses that are specially made or purchased for the occasion. Glittering ornaments are the added attractions for the bride. Now question arises why do people in cosmopolitan cities choose to have living together before marriage?
There are certain reasons in the west for opting for living together and economical factor is also one of the primary causes. It may not be wise to compare ourselves with the western standard.
In the west there are compulsive reasons for unmarried couples to choose to live together rather than getting married; question of inheritable properties, tax disincentives, loss of military and pension benefits, fear of incurring liability for partner's medical expenses, health insurance, social security benefits, asset protection, alimony, lacks of concern about what others think, ability to share expenses without affecting one's personal savings and fund..
There are currently over four million people living with their partner in England and Wales, and many think they have rights that they don't have. Sadly people usually find out what rights they really have when it's too late to do much about it. Whether you think about moving on with your partner or whether you have been living together for 15 years, you need to know your rights.
And the U.S. Census Bureau has reported that from 1990 to 1999, the percentage of unmarried couples was most common among persons of 65 years old and the percentage among the older ones still rose significantly. There are couples who at one time believed in marriage. These are couples who are facing the disapproval of their children and religious faith.
It is expected that this percentage rate will continue to rise. So why are they cohabiting? For many senior citizens, marriage is not financially sound. In 1960, there were 90 married couples for every cohabiting couple. Currently there is one cohabiting couple for every 12 married couples in USA. By the year 2010, if the present trend continues, there will be 7 married couples for every cohabiting couple.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, unmarried couples number over 4 million households in the U.S., nearly ten times the number in 1960. Today in the U.S., 1 in 3 single women chooses to live with their partners before marriage, compared to 1 in 10 in the 1950's (Whitman 1997).
Now coming back to our situation, the reasons for living together may be different from the west. People live together rather than marry for any number of reasons. In some cases, the couple is not legally allowed to marry.
In others, the couple may prefer unmarried cohabitation before marriage for a variety of reasons which may include: "not seeing a need for "a piece of paper" to express their commitment to each other; wanting to avoid the stress and expenses of a marriage, thinking Church marriage is just outdated and expensive.
Moreover, when there are many devices of birth control, why bother about marriage." When you pay a visit to a cosmopolitan cities like Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkota, Madras, Chandigarh and Bangalore etc. you may meet a lot of day scholars who couldn't get hostel but live on rented-rooms. You may find a number of men and women living in the same room.
At first you may think that they are cousin brothers and sisters, but later on you will realize that the couples are living together. Why these sorts of practices are so common among us today?
First, the couples are away from the mainstream of the home society, and also out of family's control.
Secondly, the new surrounding environments suddenly change their outlook and began to discard legal fundamental bond. From their intellectual point of view, marriage is just a social institution invented by men; but social values keep on changing according to times and situation.
Thirdly, high cost of living in metropolitan cities can be another factor. Due to financial problems, sharing a room preferably with one's boy-friend/girl-friend has become a fashion. If the partner is financially sound, no matter what others feel, the couple opts for living together.
Fourthly, they lose faith in Church marriage due to its formalism and commercialization.
In the early days of the Church, living together outside marriage was no doubt common among the non-Christians in the Roman Empire - as was the use of artificial contraception. But these practices were demoralizing impacts for individuals, families, and society. Women were treated as disposable objects, mere toys for sexual pleasure, to be discarded when passions wane.
The Christian view of marriage and family is expected to bring happiness and fulfillment for individuals and families - and a great renewal of culture and society. Far from being outmoded, then as now, the Church's teaching on marriage is revolutionary - and it still works.
However, the Church today tends to lose its credibility as it couldn't take bold actions in the acts of adultery and divorce. Moreover, there is no any scrutiny whether the couples who are supposed to get married in the Church are virgin. Of course, living together before marriage is a sin because it violates God's commandments and the law of the Church.
Why living-together couples are disqualified for the holy marriage? What about people having pre-marital sex? Sexual sins, then, are not just between a man and a woman, but between the couple and God. What does the society or church do in such cases?
Sex is not simply a private matter. If it's between you and God, it's also between you and the Church or the society where you are a member. Thus, the society or church should disapproves on living together only if it condemned/disapproves of the acts of adultery, divorce and any illicit acts of sex.
In conclusion, living together before marriage is different from living together in marriage, because there is no binding commitment to support the relationship in the former. In the west, the negative impact of living together may be much higher than marriage.
During my days in Delhi, I had many friends who had lived together with their girl-friends/boy-friends. At that point of time I thought that they were crazy. But to my utter surprise many of them were married leading a very happy family life with a successful career.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isaac L. Hmar, a research scholar at Dept. of History M.U, writes regularly to e-pao.net
The writer can be reached at isaac_intoate@yahoo.com
This article was webcasted on June 06th , 2005.
"The state has no business in the bedrooms of the nation" - Pierre Trudeau.
It has been a decade now that living together with one's boyfriend/ girlfriend before legitimate marriage has become a common social phenomenon especially among those North East people who live in cosmopolitan cities like Delhi, Mumbai, Bangalore, etc.
Some may think that living together is a western culture while others may not take it that way. From my personal point of view, living together is just a part of human behavior which is a universal phenomenon. It is a fact that westerner people are bold enough to experiment it and hence develop it as if it were a part of their culture.
In short, living together means a relationship of a man and woman who are sexually active and share a household, though they are not married legally. In case of marriage you have to agree that you will take care of each other for life, regardless of life's ups and downs. You will fasten it out together through thick and thin and share all adversaries.
Married couple life is permanent come what may. It is legally and socially approved. In the case of living together the couple's commitment to live together is based on expediency and convenience. It may last long or may break up any moment as the case may be. "As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around". This is precisely the attitude in ‘living together'.
Marriage is socially, legally and culturally sanctioned union of a man and woman. However, the purpose and basis of marriage may differ from society to society. The general expectation from marriage is however that child born out of such union is expected to continue the respective family line. There are two types of marriage; love marriage and arranged marriage.
In most countries, people are free to choose either civil or religious marriage. In western countries as well as in some other parts of the world, as you know, including Manipur, marriage ceremony commonly takes place either in a chapel or a temple.
Wedding is a time of great celebration and festivity. Guests bring presentations for bride and groom and wish them a happy conjugal life. The bride and groom wear beautiful dresses that are specially made or purchased for the occasion. Glittering ornaments are the added attractions for the bride. Now question arises why do people in cosmopolitan cities choose to have living together before marriage?
There are certain reasons in the west for opting for living together and economical factor is also one of the primary causes. It may not be wise to compare ourselves with the western standard.
In the west there are compulsive reasons for unmarried couples to choose to live together rather than getting married; question of inheritable properties, tax disincentives, loss of military and pension benefits, fear of incurring liability for partner's medical expenses, health insurance, social security benefits, asset protection, alimony, lacks of concern about what others think, ability to share expenses without affecting one's personal savings and fund..
There are currently over four million people living with their partner in England and Wales, and many think they have rights that they don't have. Sadly people usually find out what rights they really have when it's too late to do much about it. Whether you think about moving on with your partner or whether you have been living together for 15 years, you need to know your rights.
And the U.S. Census Bureau has reported that from 1990 to 1999, the percentage of unmarried couples was most common among persons of 65 years old and the percentage among the older ones still rose significantly. There are couples who at one time believed in marriage. These are couples who are facing the disapproval of their children and religious faith.
It is expected that this percentage rate will continue to rise. So why are they cohabiting? For many senior citizens, marriage is not financially sound. In 1960, there were 90 married couples for every cohabiting couple. Currently there is one cohabiting couple for every 12 married couples in USA. By the year 2010, if the present trend continues, there will be 7 married couples for every cohabiting couple.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, unmarried couples number over 4 million households in the U.S., nearly ten times the number in 1960. Today in the U.S., 1 in 3 single women chooses to live with their partners before marriage, compared to 1 in 10 in the 1950's (Whitman 1997).
Now coming back to our situation, the reasons for living together may be different from the west. People live together rather than marry for any number of reasons. In some cases, the couple is not legally allowed to marry.
In others, the couple may prefer unmarried cohabitation before marriage for a variety of reasons which may include: "not seeing a need for "a piece of paper" to express their commitment to each other; wanting to avoid the stress and expenses of a marriage, thinking Church marriage is just outdated and expensive.
Moreover, when there are many devices of birth control, why bother about marriage." When you pay a visit to a cosmopolitan cities like Delhi, Mumbai, Kolkota, Madras, Chandigarh and Bangalore etc. you may meet a lot of day scholars who couldn't get hostel but live on rented-rooms. You may find a number of men and women living in the same room.
At first you may think that they are cousin brothers and sisters, but later on you will realize that the couples are living together. Why these sorts of practices are so common among us today?
First, the couples are away from the mainstream of the home society, and also out of family's control.
Secondly, the new surrounding environments suddenly change their outlook and began to discard legal fundamental bond. From their intellectual point of view, marriage is just a social institution invented by men; but social values keep on changing according to times and situation.
Thirdly, high cost of living in metropolitan cities can be another factor. Due to financial problems, sharing a room preferably with one's boy-friend/girl-friend has become a fashion. If the partner is financially sound, no matter what others feel, the couple opts for living together.
Fourthly, they lose faith in Church marriage due to its formalism and commercialization.
In the early days of the Church, living together outside marriage was no doubt common among the non-Christians in the Roman Empire - as was the use of artificial contraception. But these practices were demoralizing impacts for individuals, families, and society. Women were treated as disposable objects, mere toys for sexual pleasure, to be discarded when passions wane.
The Christian view of marriage and family is expected to bring happiness and fulfillment for individuals and families - and a great renewal of culture and society. Far from being outmoded, then as now, the Church's teaching on marriage is revolutionary - and it still works.
However, the Church today tends to lose its credibility as it couldn't take bold actions in the acts of adultery and divorce. Moreover, there is no any scrutiny whether the couples who are supposed to get married in the Church are virgin. Of course, living together before marriage is a sin because it violates God's commandments and the law of the Church.
Why living-together couples are disqualified for the holy marriage? What about people having pre-marital sex? Sexual sins, then, are not just between a man and a woman, but between the couple and God. What does the society or church do in such cases?
Sex is not simply a private matter. If it's between you and God, it's also between you and the Church or the society where you are a member. Thus, the society or church should disapproves on living together only if it condemned/disapproves of the acts of adultery, divorce and any illicit acts of sex.
In conclusion, living together before marriage is different from living together in marriage, because there is no binding commitment to support the relationship in the former. In the west, the negative impact of living together may be much higher than marriage.
During my days in Delhi, I had many friends who had lived together with their girl-friends/boy-friends. At that point of time I thought that they were crazy. But to my utter surprise many of them were married leading a very happy family life with a successful career.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Isaac L. Hmar, a research scholar at Dept. of History M.U, writes regularly to e-pao.net
The writer can be reached at isaac_intoate@yahoo.com
This article was webcasted on June 06th , 2005.
